A pikeman was staggering home with a bottle of beer in his snap sack when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
A pikeman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the pikeman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the soldier had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the pikeman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.!!!!
"You've Been Out Drinking Again" (One of our favorites)
A soldier had been drinking in the beer tent all night. The barman finally said that the bar was closing. So the soldier stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl across the campsite. When he arrived at his tent he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the main tent and into the inner tent. When he reached his sleeping bag he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right onto his wife and fell sound asleep.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The CO has just been to the beer tent and brought your wheel chair back again."
The distressed pikeman.
A pikeman arrived at the guard tent and wandered around with tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Are you alright?” asked one of the guards.
"No," replied the pikeman. "I've lost everything!"
"How'd that happen?" asked the guard.
"The cork fell out!" said the pikeman.
A priest is leading a service with the troops. The CO smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle in his bag. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest”.
The CO says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The Reunion (The other favorite)
A pikeman stumbles up to the only other drinker in the beer tent and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Sheffield," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Sheffield too! Let's have another round to Sheffield." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Sheffield?" "The Manor," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to The Manor." "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?" "Waltheof", replies the first man. "I left in '76." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in unison. About that time, in comes the CO and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the barman. "Nothing much," replied the barman. "The twins are drunk again!"
The CO and his Sergeant were sitting outside their tent drinking some beer and watching the nympho tent across the campsite. They saw a Vicar crawl in to the tent, and the CO said, "Such a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Later they saw a rabbi go in to the tent, and the Sergeant said, "Yes and a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a catholic priest enter the tent, and the CO said, "What a terrible pity... the girl must be quite ill."
Lost at Sea
The Sergeant and Ensign, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ferry. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, The Sergeant stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the Ensign, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, the Sergeant blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Marston’s Pedigree!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The Ensign looked disgustedly at the Sergeant whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Sergeant! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.